The urge to film and the noise of it all.

My mind as been absolutely racing lately. I see this community that I am so deeply ingrained in, and I want to jump in. I have a passion and it motivates me. Some see it as superficial and a waste of time- but I'll tell you I have made so many connections and friendships. More so than I have in my regular life. There is now a sense of pride and community where once dwells insecurity and loneliness.  

I have put blood, sweat, tears and a money into this. My videos look like shit, I stutter, I can't focus, I know shit all about editing. 

I have the support from my friends and my partner. I have a premise and the personality and the determination. 

But fuck if I ain't already recalculating this. I am having such a hard time with the learning of it all. 

I want to continue and I want to go forward and I want to make things work with what I have. I compare myself to others and I see what I need and what I don't need. But in my head I am convinced I need to have more things to make the final content that I am used to seeing. 

Just putting this out into the void. I needed to vent more. I am having an awful time.

I just want to be a fucking You Tuber.  I just wan't to make funny videos about makeup. I just want to inspire people how others inspire me. 

Youtube needs more Indigenous ladies anyways.