The urge to film and the noise of it all.

My mind as been absolutely racing lately. I see this community that I am so deeply ingrained in, and I want to jump in. I have a passion and it motivates me. Some see it as superficial and a waste of time- but I'll tell you I have made so many connections and friendships. More so than I have in my regular life. There is now a sense of pride and community where once dwells insecurity and loneliness.  

I have put blood, sweat, tears and a money into this. My videos look like shit, I stutter, I can't focus, I know shit all about editing. 

I have the support from my friends and my partner. I have a premise and the personality and the determination. 

But fuck if I ain't already recalculating this. I am having such a hard time with the learning of it all. 

I want to continue and I want to go forward and I want to make things work with what I have. I compare myself to others and I see what I need and what I don't need. But in my head I am convinced I need to have more things to make the final content that I am used to seeing. 

Just putting this out into the void. I needed to vent more. I am having an awful time.

I just want to be a fucking You Tuber.  I just wan't to make funny videos about makeup. I just want to inspire people how others inspire me. 

Youtube needs more Indigenous ladies anyways. 

At long last and an Anti-haul rant.

I have returned as a warrior of the keyboard.
All joking aside, I decide not to write what I was having a "down" week. Which has actually turned into a couple of months. In that time I have felt extreme highs and lows. In which I have decided that writing the probably better for me than wallowing around in self-pity. I needed to go back to ground level and find what truly made me happy. And I'll be honest- I still don't really know.

So here I am, and I will try to update as often as possible. It is important for myself to take care of my mental health, this included taking a small hiatus. But don't worry. During this time I have thrown myself into the research end of the cosmetics industry and have returned with new knowledge and a renewed love for all things pretty.

During my time away, I have noticed Anti-hauls become wildly popular. Which I absolutely enjoy, I actually enjoy negative makeup reviews? I feel like sometimes they are more honest. But with the good comes the bad.

Anti-hauls are to go against consumerism. Kimberly Clarke (the credited mother of the series) has summed this up perfectly in all of her videos. In a world where we are consistently bombarded with adds it was nice to take a time out and see someone go against the system. "What I'm not gonna buuuyyy" always rings in my head whenever I enter the makeup aisle of the store. Or the ever so classic "I don't need and I'm not going to buy it."
But Kimberly also makes totally amazing points- "If you have pallet X and pallet Y then you CLEARLY don't need pallet Z, it has all the same colours! " She's teaching us how to be SMART with our choices, and how we continuously consume things. Showing us how to think for ourselves rather than just buying up everything that is shown to us.

But its changed. The anti-haul has mutated and she aint pretty.

Now, YouTubers and bloggers and turned the Anti-Haul into just plain "I'm not going to buy this." They are no longer smart, they lack any thought put into them. There are only a select few creators who still stand by this model, but all to often we are hit with the "I just don't like the colours. I just don't like this brand. I don't like this character that MAC is partnering with so I'm not going to buy it."  Videos made for the fact to show that they don't like this stuff in the first place and there for will not purchase.
I don't like a TOO FACED, should I make a video about all the stuff I'm not going to buy? No. But I will make a video about NARS Man Ray collection about all the stuff I DO want but will go through my collection to find similar colours and therefore will not need to purchase.
See the difference? It hold no weight if we already know you don't like it.

Just like how I needed to take a step back and look at what I wanted out of my life recently, I think people need to take a step back and really get back to ground level. It's hard to consistently pump out new material (daily uploads? Girl.) But losing such an important concept in all the hype is just so aggravating. It is such a beautiful concept and we NEED to be supported to reel it in. I know I start itchin for a proper Anti-haul video when I start feeling my debt card burn.
Trust me, I'm scouting all the makeup sites, Instagram pages, apps and Facebook groups. I get it.

It's an addiction. Shopping (a common process addiction) especially for new makeup is a fucking hard thing to beat. Especially as a person who has a hard time finding clothes to fit me, makeup will always fit. It's the ONLY thing that fits right now. The feeling of being apart of something bigger, the creativity, the hoarding of makeup and the process of buying it- its a ritual. It's a ritual designed by corporations and perpetuated by Consumerism.
Kimberly Clarke stood up in a world of plastic and said "Fuck that shit. Urban Decay, a white eye shadow called bump? As a reference to Cocaine? Yeah no."
"Really Too Faced? Glitter bomb?" Inappropriate.

I am able to think for myself now and can stand back and really evaluate the products as is. Instead of just giving Morphie the bird- I can look at the pallet and see it for what it really is, 35 SHADES OF GODDAMN BROWN.

Encourage people to evaluate more. Don't just tell people YOU DON'T NEED IT. DON'T BUY IT. Really just explain it. I support the notion to get people to take a step back. #1stepback
Make it a movement? I don't expect it to be like that Jenner girl ending protests with a can of Pepsi. But I mean. It could happen.



- - - - x- - -

If lot's more of us loved each other, We'd solve lots more problems.

The shape shifter (Short & sweet)

Anxiety is tricky beast- this beast happens to be a shape shifter.

It snares it's long fangs and some go running, some freeze, some fight and end up fighting to their demise. The lucky few tame the beast and end up looking the damn demi-gods to the rest of us. 

  What I'm trying to say here is that anxiety is very good at meaning many different things to many people. 

Sometimes we want to be shape shifters. That dream to crawl out of our own skin and to be someone else. So we step out of the comfort of our everyday norm, we put on a fierce new outfit or a great new shade of lipstick, or maybe trying out that new cat eye.
Alright so your feeling good, looking good, empowered that you have TAKEN BACK yourself and oh hell yeah, you are going to OWN this.
And then you're in public. "Oh good God NO, why are they staring at me?" and dozens of other variations of that will eat away at your soul. Look, nothing I say is going to change how you perceive others. That is something you have to sort out on your own, on your own schedule with your own boundaries.
But- I do encourage you to not give a shit. I encourage you to OWN that personal style be whom you are. Be your own Demi-God.

Your own self worth IS NOT determined by others. How others perceive you had nothing to do with how amazing you actually are. I promise you that. No matter what you identify as, you are the most perfect version of yourself.
She's gonna be a long hard road- but it'll be worth it.

"If lots more of us loved each other, We'd solve lots more problems,"
- Anxiety&Lipstick <3 

Drinking anxiety away.

If you are anything like myself - going to the club is probably your mortal enemy.
If I am expected to go to the club, you can bet I WILL become mysteriously ill, have a family emergency or "forget something at home, BRB" and just never show up to said party/club.

For many people with anxiety they find themselves drinking (probably too much/ too fast) in situations where they are uncomfortable. I know I wasn't even out of the "bathroom selfie" stage with the other girls before I had a cold one in my hand making my significant other PROMISE me that we did not have to go to the club. The air of excitement quickly vanished from my lungs once someone mentioned "...the club afterwards." and full blown panic sets in.
Poor Timothy is swearing up and down and staring me down at the same time, so I know hes serious and won't make me go out and that he understands and will get me out as soon as I need to.

*Lucky for me I have an amazing Timothy whom understands my anxiety and does everything he can to make me comfortable. Like be the designated driver because he knows as soon as I hit that pub 2 double Caesars on their way to me.

I want you to be aware that everybody has their own boundaries. And I would like to remind you that if your friend is not comfortable in a situation- it's not your job to force them to try and get them out of their shell. Your friend with anxiety is in flight or flight mode most likely- and they will know what feels good for them or not.

Two Caesars a couple shots later and right on cue there is a phone call from my mother saying that my aunt is in labor. ( Nobody needs to know shes 57)

*If you have a friend with anxiety, I urge you to remember their comfort level. If you are unsure- ASK THEM! Ask them open ended questions. BAD: "Hey you're okay if we go to the club after this, right?" or invite them! "Were going to the club after dinner, if you want to go, if not that's okay too."

If you are a friend with anxiety- give them a way out that keeps their dignity. If you do have anxiety- Remember to make smart decisions that keep you safe and protects your boundaries. Please don't drink in excess in order to cope with anxiety.
Check out your local support groups! Lots of times there are local pages on Facebook of meet ups in the community with people who struggle, this may be a good way to get out and be understood.


The point is- I had a GREAT time. I got to do the get ready thing with my girlfriends, I got to have a good night with everybody and just hang out. Best of all Tim got me to Wal-Mart in time to pick up ice cream and watch Rocky Horror Picture Show with me and sing out guts out.
I had fun because I was in charge of my surroundings and my boundaries- and my other friends had a great time too because I wasn't miserable upset in the corner, nor was I way out of hand drunk as a way of trying to cope with my anxiety. Everybody played to their strengths and everybody won at the end of the night.

We looked great- We had a great time and my friend had a wonderful birthday.
And of course we all looked fabulous in our lipstick .


"If lots more of us loved each other, We'd solve lots more problems."
 - Anxiety&Lipstick<3

VIB rouge, embracing shopping alone and the beauty of an early morning.

 If I could pass on my #1 tip on my secret to a good day, its waking up early.
The art of being alone in a house and quietly making myself a cup of tea in order to wake myself up.
I've never been much of morning person; however when I do manage to pull myself from my warm nest, I find I enjoy my day much more.

I pulled myself together and by the strike of 9 am I was up and out the door. Two words ring in my head as I drive Cruella De Vil style down the road salivating. Pay Day. Tunnel vision as a plot my next moves and every swipe with my debt card.
(Side note - this is the first time in my life I have expendable income. I've worked HARD for this.)

When I die, I hope heaven is like Winners. I don't even have to buy anything- I just need to see some familiar high end brand usually found at the mother ship (Sephora) and I feel like I am truly a winner that day. Like an old fisherman telling all my friends and family about an insanely great deal that I did not catch.  The price comparisons grow bigger and more grandiose with every rendition of my story.
Winners is home to my beauty blender rip offs (because of all the stuff I buy, I refuse to spend $30 on a sponge), new and exotic Korean skin care, long forgotten MAC pallets, discontinued Cargo sets, serious cool lippies and of course- my stock pile of OPI polishes.
With purchases in hand (sponges, glossy top coat, eyeliner sharpener- Duel ended!) I set off again across town to the beacon of hope. The mother ship. The place that is synonymous with me for buyers remorse.    Sephora.


I have 1 Sephora where I live. The next one is in a tiny town 2 hours away up island. The general feel of the store is angelic like any other- however it is a meeting place for us like minded individuals and thus becomes Very crowded Very quickly. There is the usual crew, women young and old being trailed by their lost and oblivious significant others whom are usually the designated coffee/purse/bag holder because this is important and swatching needs BOTH hands, the youthful crowd who are fawning over the latest product Nikki T suggests, the people who study the website and beauty influences religiously (guilty) and are trying to push past to grab whatever the hell is on their very calculated lists, the people are the beauty bar trying this and that and of course- without fail- the first timer overwhelmed by the experience and is probably crying in the fragrance corner.
Except for today.

A early Friday morning, the mall has just opened. I walk in, inhale the sweet friendly aroma to remind me I am home and set off. "Oh of course I will take a basket- thank you!" The store is dead, it is relaxed. I assume that most managers are not in yet just from the overall feel of the store, and when the employees are relaxed- I am relaxed. I can tour and look and touch and try without being tossed around by mad crowds or being pressured from workers. (It happens, it's their job- and its okay! People with anxiety just can't communicate "no" sometimes)
I am alone. But I also know I am alone in a safe place. I don't have to rush to keep up with people nor do I feel pressure to hurry up and make up my mind already. I am also known for scooping up lots of things, packing them around the store for a good half hour and putting them back- to really decide if I need them or not. I feel like this is good for myself and really helps the process of purchasing in an overwhelming store easier so I don't have to come back all embarrassed to return things.

* Being alone in an environment you can trust will go a long way to help support your mental health. It might give you the safety blanket you need to start conversations, ask questions and take baby steps to being alone.

"Congratulations Natasha, you've reached VIB rouge!"  aka- you've spent $1,000 in a calendar year on makeup. Sick.
I'm not going to lie to you, I've been looking forward to this moment and for a split second I felt like I had accomplished something great and bold here. I Natasha, have managed to go outside my comfort zone and have successfully "TREAT YO SELF" enough times over to be special. Sephora VIB points program: a love song for consumerism.
Kimberly Clark started doing ANTI-HAULS and let her VIB rouge status expire- if you have not watched these videos I HIGHLY RECOMMEND them. They are truly eye opening and even tho I still consume like a MO FO- I have changed my approach and how I learn about a product before I buy. It's AWESOME!

Waking up early >> Being alone >> strengthening my social skills >> Reward!
I feel like a puppy, but I can't even be mad because this is the environment I have created for myself. I challenge you to create your own environment and see how are you can safely go. Maybe you will surprise yourself today =)

I return home with my iconic black and white striped bag with my fancy new VIB rouge brush, a host of samples, a sick new BECCA highlight and various other products. I curl up back into my nest to rest my body until work. I reflect on my outing and admire myself for being alone and not afraid to engage with people. For the love of makeup. Obsession or creating an environment? Maybe a little bit of both, but right now I'm okay with that ;)

"If lots more of us loved each other, we'd solve lots more problems."
Anxiety&Lipstick <3

Resilience & the power color

re·sil·ience

rəˈzilyəns/

noun

1. 1.

   the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

   "the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"
2. 2.

   the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

   "nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience"

I don't feel like we recognize resiliency in people often enough. With anybody who is suffering from mental illness will find that this train inherently resonates within them. In my opinion, you cannot have one without the other.
Dig deep and think- What do you think when you think of the big R?

Personally- I think I good lipstick.. Liquid matte to be exact. Now, I'm not trying to discredit anything that you may be thinking of nor am I trying to be some materialist consumer telling you to BUY BUY BUY!
Hear me out. 

When I wear a specific color (power color) I do feel like I am unstoppable.*

*PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM SAYING LIPSTICK FIXES ALL

I am trying to explain my own personally experiences and am NOT  suggesting a trip to Sephora instead of the doctors. I would like to draw comparison for a great 10hr wear lippie to being elastic and reliable to stay put when I need it too.

Back to power colors- It is important to find something that fits for yourself. Maybe you have to search for a bit but its honestly helped myself so much.

I can go to the restroom in public areas and give something to do for a few seconds to disconnect, get a moment of self care in, and regroup. 

Doing it in the morning I can give myself a quick pep talk and prep for the day. The ol' Pep + Prep combo.

This is one of my best tricks I can share. I'm being honest here, find YOUR color.

Find that awesome something that makes you feel special. You owe it to yourself to feel like the very best you that you can be. If that's exercising, yoga, singing, cooking, makeup, doing your nails or calling up a friend. 

Mine tends to  lean towards a nude or dark brown, FYI =) I find it compliments my skin tone well but doesn't wash me out, probably due to my dark brows however.

Remember, You are the most perfect you that you can be today. I am only suggesting small tips and tricks that help myself out.  

"If lots more of us loved each other, we'd solve lots more problems."
Anxiety&Lipstick <3 

Step one- into the beginning.

To anyone in need of a helping hand; current or otherwise.

My intentions here are humble and honest.
 Here I would like to combine my two worlds, Mental health and makeup. As a person who works in mental health and addictions and personally struggles with general anxiety I was hard pressed to find a form of self care that I actually enjoyed and not felt like doing it was a chore. I am not a runner, nor do I do yoga on the regular.
Make up fits all.
 Makeup doesn't care what size you are, or how you are feeling that day. Makeup acts as a form of expression for many of us.

 For myself, lipstick has always been a point of confidence. A power supply if you will.
   Welcome to Anxiety&Lipstick <3  Here we discuss makeup and mental health.

Turns out that makeup and nail art are my two passions in life, besides my job. I wanted to have a constructive outlet to put my thoughts down and to have a platform to reach out.

Okay so enough of that. I figure you might want to get to know me a little bit..
I am Natasha, I will not tell you what I do for a living as it is confidential.

I am Canadian First Nations woman (Haida)
I live my life with daily anxiety.
Currently, I am 24 years old and absolutely obsessed with anything Disney, Bowie, raccoons and peaches.

I have combo-oily skin with red undertones - for future reference.


All genders, sizes, skin tones, preferences, ages, ethnicity, marital status, pro-pineapple pizza people welcome =) This is safe space.  


"If lots more of us loved each other, we'd solve lots more problems."
- Anxiety and lipstick <3